Building & Maintaining Friendships As An Adult

When we’re young, it often seems like making friends is second nature to us. We are going through the same social experiences as our peers, and naturally we tend to gravitate towards some of those around us and make lasting friendships. But what about when we become adults? While some of us are social creatures, others have lost the art of how to make friends. Even though we may be friendly people, friendly interactions don’t guarantee fulfilling friendly relationships. We also might have friendships or life circumstances that change over time and find ourselves in need of building and maintaining friendships as an adult. So how do you build and maintain friendships as an adult?

Life Transitions & Friendship

Experiencing life transitions can lead adults to desire new friendships. These transitions might include:

• Beginning College: Being away from home and the friends you grew up with can create the need to meet new friends.
• Moving To A New City: Relocating can be a challenge. Building a friendship community is often one of the things that makes a new city feel like “home.”
• Death Of A Friend: The loss of a friend can feel isolating, and it can make forming new friendships feel like an even greater challenge.
• Divorce: Experiencing divorce can create a need for new friendships as some of the couples’ “shared friendships” may change as a result of the separation.
• Marriage: Getting married can pose many challenges for existing friendships. Sometimes current friends have a hard time accepting or relating to your new marriage; other times marriage means moving away (geographically) from existing friends.
• Retirement: Maybe your friends were coworkers who you saw daily. Once you are retired, you may find yourself seeking friendships outside of the work environment.
• Becoming A Parent: Becoming a new parent is a significant life change. When you are a parent, the struggles that you have are sometimes completely different from your existing friends. It can be beneficial to develop friendships with others who understand what you are experiencing.

Benefits of Friendship As An Adult

There are many benefits of friendship as an adult.

• Fuel To Reach Goals: According to the National Institute on Mental Health, those who have strong friendships are more likely to reach their goals as well as obtain other accomplishments.
• Opportunities For Personal Growth & Self-Discovery: When we are in close relationships with people, they help us to see things about ourselves that we might not have otherwise noticed.
• Navigating Life Changes: Ginger Cauddell, LPC shares, “My girlfriends are very special to me. In a world that moves quickly, where changes occur at light speed, time with friends slows life down and honors that old and familiar.
• Enhanced Mental & Physical Wellness: There is a lot of research that discusses the positive benefits of friendships on mental wellness. According to the APA, people who have friendships are likely to have satisfaction in life, a reduction in depression and diseases such as heart disease.
• Decreased Loneliness: Recently, it has been reported that we are in a loneliness epidemic. Establishing friendships is a way to help alleviate loneliness.

Building Friendships As An Adult

We asked our team to share their advice on building friendships as an adult. Their suggestions include:

• Attend High School/College Reunions: If your high school or college class is having a reunion or event of some sort, attend. You never know who from your past may be there, and there can be all kinds of joy in rekindling old connections.
• Try Local Sports: If you like to play sports, seek out an adult league near you! Counselor Jessica, an avid adult softballer, shares that “engaging in adult recreational sports or community events can open up several avenues for relationships with others. Don’t just settle for the first experience when getting started, explore and find the best fit for you. No one is judging you for attending alone, more than you are judging yourself.”
• Start A Book Club: This is another benefit of social media. If you are interested in starting a book club, you can announce it in your feed or create an event to connect with others who might have a similar interest.
• Volunteer: Getting involved in volunteer activities is a great way to make friends. This is a way to locate people who are interested in similar causes as you are.
• Connect With Others Who Enjoy Similar Activities: Counselor Sarah suggests the following: “Find an activity that you enjoy such as painting, walking outdoors or even going to local stores/shops can be a fun way to interact with other people who may have the same interests as you.”
• Join Campus Clubs: If you are a college student, you can get involved in a club or organization on campus. This is a great way to connect with people who have similar interests. It could be a club related to your major or a cause that you are particularly interested in.
• Get To Know Your Neighbors: You can attend neighborhood meetings or get out and speak to a neighbor. Invite your neighbor for a walk and get out and go walking.
• Be A Friend: Sometimes the best way to make friends is to be one. Call a person up and invite them out for brunch or lunch. If they are going through a difficult time, be supportive.
• Seek New Work Opportunities: One of our team members shared, “I took an ‘Improv for Therapists’ course a few years back on a whim, wanting to expand my professional competence. I wound up making friends with a bunch of people who not only understand my work stressors but also share my sense of humor!”

Things To Keep In Mind When Seeking New Friendships

There are a few things to consider when choosing to develop new friends including:

• Know & Communicate Your Values: Stephen Covey, the author of Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, talks about the importance of having core values. Our core values are what identify how we operate in our relationships with other people. Some examples of values include integrity, adventure, family, independence, success, beauty, etc. It is important that you are clear on what your values are. It is easier to navigate friendships when you surround yourself with people who have similar values.
• Be Patient: Developing true and authentic friendships takes time. Friendships to me are like plants. When you plant a seed, it does not grow right away. This process takes time. So, you might not see the depth of a friendship right away. But with time, the true essence of the friendship will show.
• Be Authentic: Sometimes when we get to know people, we can put on a facade of who people want us to be. But this can lead to more problems in the long run. When getting to know people, it is important that you are honest about who you are. Now, you don’t have to let people know everything about your life. However, if you have financial struggles, you will want to be honest about that. As people see us for who we really are, it will allow and encourage them to do the same.
• Get To Know People: Take your time and get to know people so that you can see who they really are. Sometimes it will take months and years before you can really see who a person is. But take your time and don’t be in a rush. Research suggests that physical proximity and regular interaction play a crucial role in forming and maintaining friendships. Being in close proximity to potential friends and interacting with them frequently can facilitate the development of relationships.
• Be A Friend To Yourself: Treat yourself the way that you would want a friend to treat you or the way that you would treat a friend.

Resources For Building & Maintaining Friendships As An Adult

We asked our team to share their favorite resources for adults seeking to build and maintain friendships, and this is what they had to say:

• Friendship: The Evolution, Biology, and Extraordinary Power of Life’s Fundamental Bond by Lydia Denworth: This book explores the science and biology behind friendship, shedding light on why friendships are so crucial to our well-being and how they impact our lives.
• The Art of Gathering: How We Meet and Why It Matters by Priya Parker: While not exclusively focused on friendship, this book offers valuable insights into creating meaningful connections and gatherings. It provides strategies for fostering deeper interactions with friends. This book is a favorite of our director, Dr. Ashley Garrett, PhD, LPCS, RPTS.
• The Friendships You Make When You Are Older by Patricia S. Brown: This book focuses on making friends later in life and provides insights into how to build new relationships, whether through shared interests, community involvement, or other means.
• Reclaiming Conversation: The Power of Talk in a Digital Age by Sherry Turkle: Sherry Turkle’s book addresses the impact of technology on our communication and relationships, including friendships. It encourages a return to meaningful face-to-face conversations.
• The Friendship Factor: How to Get Closer to the People You Care For by Alan Loy McGinnis: This classic book offers practical advice on building and maintaining friendships. It covers topics such as effective communication, resolving conflicts, and nurturing relationships.
• Big Friendship: How We Keep Each Other Close by Aminatou Sow and Ann Friedman: One of the central themes of the book is the concept of “shine theory,” developed by Sow and Friedman. This theory suggests that surrounding ourselves with friends who are successful and inspiring can actually elevate our own achievements and well-being. By celebrating each other’s accomplishments and supporting one another, friendships can become sources of empowerment.
• How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie
• The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey
• The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz: Counselor Caroline highly recommends this book, stating, “Volunteer work is one of the highest levels of care one can give to themselves and others. There’s more to life than just working and paying taxes. In the type of information society that we live in, devoting our time and energy to others can definitely help socially build meaningful connections with others, thus allowing adult relationships to flourish while marketing ourselves by spreading truths to a society that needs new knowledge, love and support on any level.”
• Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make and Keep Friends by Marisa G. Franco PhD

It’s worth noting that research in this area is ongoing, and societal changes, such as those brought about by the COVID-19 pandemic, can also impact how adults make friends. According to Dr. Ashley Garrett, PhD, LPCS, “Technology and social media platforms have changed the way people interact. Online communities, forums, and social networking sites can help adults connect with others who share similar interests but many times leave individuals feeling even more isolated.” If you are struggling with making friends as an adult, counseling could help. Garrett Counseling has counselors who are trained and prepared to support you in navigating the challenges of making friends as an adult.

If you enjoyed this article, check out these related blogs:

• Build New Friendships As A Millennial
• Tips For Building A Healthy Relationship
• 4 Horsemen Of The Relationship Apocalypse: 4 Behaviors To Avoid In Relationships

Sources:

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“Friendships: Enrich your life and improve your health”, published January 12,
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Pezirkianidis C, Galanaki E, Raftopoulou G, Moraitou D, Stalikas A. Adult
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