Grief is something that each person experiences in a different way, and cultures throughout the world view and define grief differently. Throughout this article, we will discuss grief and what grief can teach us.
What is Grief, & Why Do We Grieve?
Losing a loved one to death will cause us to grieve, but why do we grieve? We grieve because we loved them and we miss them and death seems to be so final. We hear about the Kubler-Ross 5 stages of death, and we think that it is simple – “I will start on the first step and once I get to the top all my grief will be behind me.” However when we experience the loss of a loved one it is never simple, we find that grief is more of a process.
Those who grieve may have some similarity with one another and others may not grieve in expected ways. One may be relieved that death finally came to the loved one and then feel guilty for feeling this way. One may be grieving the sudden death of a loved one and still not accepting what had happened, surely it is some kind of mistake or cruel joke. The manner in which the loved one died, unanswered questions, lack of closure, regrets, the age of the loved one, spiritual beliefs, and many other factors all influence how deeply we grieve.
Grief is not experienced only when someone dies; we can experience grief throughout the dying process. Grief can start when the doctor meets with you and your loved one to tell you, “I have some bad news” or “Here are our options.” As the doctor explains, a sense of dread may set in or the mind goes numb, not comprehending what was really said. Throughout the treatment process a person can latch on to hope or to some good news, only to later be told what was being done is not working. With each step the grief can get stronger. Finally the doctor will talk about hospice and use terms like giving quality of life to the time you have left. A person may think “I want life for my loved one”, “He has so much left to do”, or “He can’t leave me now – all of this adds up to grief.
At death, cultural rituals can be meaningful and being surrounded by friends and loved ones can help bring people through. However, after all has gone and one is left to deal with their loss, grief can hit hard. Time may pass, and it begins to feel like getting to a “better place” with grief, then comes birthdays, anniversaries, holidays.
Grief Across Cultures
Miriam Webster dictionary defines grief as “deep sorrow, especially that caused by someone’s death.” In some cultures, grief is viewed as a private, individual experience, and people are expected to cope with their grief or with only the support of a small group. Other cultures view grief as a collective experience, and people are supported in their grief by a community. Grief across cultures sometimes look like:
- Native Americans often have a strong belief in the continuity of life and the importance of honoring their ancestors. Grief may be viewed as a natural part of life and may be expressed through rituals and ceremonies that involve the community.
- African Americans often have a strong sense of community and may find comfort in expressing grief through religion and faith.
- European Americans sometimes have a more individualistic approach to grief and may be more likely to seek support from therapists or other mental health professionals.
- Asian Americans may have a collectivist culture and may value the maintenance of social harmony. Grief is often viewed as a private experience and suppressed or not openly expressed.
Lessons From Grief
While grief does bring a variety of emotions, it can also teach many lessons. Some of these lessons include:
- Cherish Time With Loved Ones: Grief can be a reminder of how little time we have with those we love, and with grief – any time spent with loved ones will never appear to be enough.
- Experiencing Multiple Emotions Is Common: Often there is not just one emotion when it comes to grief. According to Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, people experience emotional stages of grief.
- Culture Impacts The Grief Process: As we stated above, the way one’s culture views grief directly impacts how an individual processes grief.
- Remain True To Yourself: When it comes to grief, you can’t hide. Sooner or later, emotions will come to light, and grief is a cue to be honest about how you are affected by the loss.
- Grief Is An Act Of Love: The mere fact that you are grieving shows that you loved and cared for someone who is very special to you! Grief is about the relationship or experience attached to death or loss.
- You Move Forward, You Don’t Move On: In a TED Talk by Kelley Lynn, Lynn says that there is healing that takes place when we take our deceased loved ones with us versus leaving them behind in our memories.
- Include The Person You Loved In Your Healing Process: The person is still part of your life. Two great resources can be found in these videos: We don’t “move on” from grief. We move forward with it by Nora McInerny & The Cure for Grief by Norah Casey
- Grief Sometimes Helps Provide Meaning In Life: Experiencing a loss of someone who we love might give us a sense of new meaning in life, such as a desire to help others who might be going through similar losses. This can give others a sense of comfort to know that they are not alone.
Finding Support In Grief
In a 2011 article, Elizabeth M. Altimaier wrote about the best practices in counseling grief and loss. She identified various areas that are affected when a person is grieving – physical symptoms, cognitive difficulties, uncertainty over the future, denial, interpersonal interaction, emotional response, the injustice of loss, symbolic rituals, continuing bonds, and benefit finding. She also discusses the benefits people experience in social support and therapy during their grieving process. Therapy can provide a safe space for clients to address their concerns, as well as gentle conversation, trust, and empathy.
Helpful Books
- Notes on Grief by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
- In Love: A Memoir of Love and Loss by Amy Bloom
- Lost and Found by Kathryn Schulz
- Late Migrations: A Natural History of Loss and Love by Margaret Renkl
- Bearing the Unbearable: Love, Loss and the Heartbreaking Path of Grief by Joanne Cacciatore
Helpful Podcasts
- Terrible, Thanks For Asking by Nora McInerny
- Griefcast by Cariad Lloyd
- Grief Unfiltered by Jayme Allis
- Grief Outloud from The Dougy Center
- Give Grief a Chance by Diane Morgan
- Grief with Grace by Lori Latimer
The greatest thing that grief tells us is that the process of grieving is an individual one. There is no right way to deal with grief. If you are finding the process of grief to be complicated, please contact us today to be connected with a licensed counselor who can support you during your grief journey.
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Sources
Altmaier, Elizabeth M. (2011). Best Practices in Counseling Grief and Loss: Finding Benefit from Trauma, Journal of Mental Health Counseling, Volume 33 (1), January 2011, Pages 33-43.
“Complicated Grief and its Treatment.” http://complicatedgrief.columbia.edu/wp-content/uploads/2016/06/CG-and-Its-Treatment_short.pdf
Gire, James (2014). “How Death Imitates Life: Cultural Influences on Conceptions of Death and Dying”, Online Readings in Psychology and Culture, 6 (2), https://doi.org/10.9707/2307-0919.1120.
“Healing Milestones: What to Expect from Grief.” https://complicatedgrief.columbia.edu/wp-content/uploads/2020/06/HEALING-Milestones_-What-Grievers-Can-Expect-with-Covid-19-Addendum.pdf
Olson, Margaret J. (2003). Counselor Understanding of Native American Spiritual Loss, Counseling and Values, Volume 47, January 2003, Pages 109-117.
Shear MK. Grief and mourning went awry: pathway and course of complicated grief. Dialogues Clin Neurosci. 2012 Jun;14(2):119-28. doi: 10.31887/DCNS.2012.14.2/mshear. PMID: 22754284; PMCID: PMC3384440.